I know you haven’t heard from me in a while but I’m about to tell you why.
Something has been going on with me since June and I’ve been ignoring it. I actually don’t know what it is, I have literally no clue but I just know something’s up.
Remember how I told you guys that I had no motivation to do anything serious and I liked it because regular me would’ve completed 3 courses by July (no exaggeration)? Yeahh, I lied. That shit’s been eating me up
I actually don’t remember if I shared that newsletter, but I know i intended to but I’m sorry for lying🥺. Forgive me?🥺
So I’ve just been living with this guilt, piled up responsibilities, fear of the future, and a bunch of other stuff since June. Sincerely, the only good things that have happened to me this summer are having my grandma around, seeing my friends, listening to ISWIS each week, and my weekly ice cream factory visits.
I usually have breakdowns but I normally already know what my problem is and I already have a solution for it, I just need to panic first. that’s why I can just get up and keep going even after going through the most. That’s why this one is a big deal for me, because I actually have no idea what the problem is, so I don’t have a solution, and I don’t have a direction on how I want to breakdown.
if that makes sense
I’m not into self diagnosis or tiktok diagnosis, but something I will do is google symptoms.
According to Dr. Goggle, most of what I’m feeling is giving depression.
How many years???😭 I’m just a girl😭😭
I overthink a lot and I’m always thinking about the future.
How are my plans for the club going to turn out? How is this academic year going to be? Will I get an internship in B&I next year if I apply? Will my plans for next summer pan out? Will I be rich at 31? Will I ever move out of my parents house? Will I pay school fees at 35? How can I be financially comfortable at 25? How come I can’t buy a bmw tomorrow? What kind of man will I get married to? Am I going attain my goals by the time I graduate?
Stuff like that
Now, these things would normally motivate me to work harder because they help me plan out my life a bit. Let’s just say a little over a few plans didn’t pan out this year and my motivation thinking turned into panic thinking of if the others would fail.
all this one is speculation because that’s actually the only thing that makes sense
Now wanting better for myself has put me inside problem.
I can simply just counter my act and I’ll be fixed right? Good as new. No issues. No problems. Right? No, you’re wrong.
lol, you thought you knew something, ode💀
The line between panic thinking and motivation thinking is very very blurred because one can easy turn into the other when done in excesses. And trying to reverse can reverse you into a deeper kasala.
meaning my situation could’ve turn out good or bad? olorun sa anu mi nau😭 I’M JUST A GIRL😭😭
So yeah. Even if I wanted to reverse, that means I’ll now become and NFA now. Tufiakwa biko.
can you see how I cannot hold a serious conversation like a serious minded human being.
I think just seeing a lot of people win around me, regardless of the fact that I’m grateful for them, has made me wonder why “I can’t measure up.” Like why am I not where I want to be and king things I want to do?
If my emotions like, let them be offended, that’s their business. Me I’ll say what’s on my mind. They themselves they’re doing too much abeg. Only me only me, headache since June.
And it’s crazy because I’m well aware of how hardworking I am and how far along that extra mile I’m willing to go to get things done. STILL, I’m feeling inadequate and it’s making me sad. Why? I don’t know.
My friend, Jenefa, from Ethereal letters from Jen, tweeted something today that prompted me share this with you guys today.
It was just a little rant but if you look closely enough, you may see something that’ll help you.
Sorry to those with eye problem.
lemme just keep you guys up to date on my listens since I left
So I start listening to IP podcasts which have been so fun and enlightening. Adesuwa (or Dez) from the Dirty Lie Podcast has this show on YouTube called Untold Stories with Adesuwa and I’ve been living on that as well. Her and TMT’s recent episodes have also been hilarious so listen to those and learn some things while having a good laugh.
The ISWIS and BTS girls have been keeping me sane fr. Someone should tell Mayowa and Murewa that this their break is too long.
The new music hasn’t been mid blowing lately. Like they’ve been good but not like GOOD.
Do you know what has blown my mind lately though? SZA’S FREAKING SNOOZE VIDEO!!
Phenomenal piece of work
I was also running mad because I hadn’t written to guys in a while. I love writing you guys and I was close to fainting lemme not lie. I missed you guys🥹
We missed you too🥺
Everything is going to be alright, just do what you have to do, one step at a time.❤️